February 25, 2015

The gift of Patience

When I was 19 I met a girl named Patience Bush. She was the little sister of a guy I was dating. She was bubbly and confident and fun! She played tennis. She sang like an angel. She enjoyed watching Moulin Rouge and munching on my homemade caramel corn on Sunday evenings and she had the testimony of a spiritual warrior. She was years younger than me and knew exactly what she wanted out of life. That baffled me because I didn't. I didn't know what my future held. I wasn't sure what I believed in anymore. I was kind of a hot mess. I remember sitting in Patience's bedroom one evening wrapping some Birthday gifts for her brother and her casually just bearing her testimony to me. Like it was the most normal thing in the world for a Wednesday night. I sat there feeling like I was in the presence of someone truly amazing. I had the sense that I would look back on that moment and see it as significant. I still remember the light in her room and the temperature outside and the smell that was in the air. Spring was just around the corner and it was that hopeful time of year when things are starting to bloom. It was just one of those perfect, happy moments where for a split second all was right in the world and I was completely comfortable listening to this sweet girl tell me about her faith in The Savior. I moved away shortly after that. 2,000 miles away. My relationship with Patience and her family changed. 2,000 miles and only communicating through prepaid phone cards will do that I guess.

But I remember coming home to visit that summer and being in the car with Patience and her brother. Patience was coming up on a cross roads. She was in that weird teenage place where she could do what was right or do what was "cool". There was something different about her. She had more of an attitude and was kind of sassy. I felt like I didn't know how to talk to her anymore. As we were driving in the car her brother put in a Jars of Clay cd and Pay started singing. When she did her demeanor changed. Is it strange to say that the car felt like it was filled with the spirit? In that moment all I wanted to do was go to the Temple. I even asked her brother to drive us by the Salt Lake Temple. I don't remember if it was that same night or later on, but we did eventually drive by the temple. And as I looked up at it I knew that I wanted my life to be different. I started to realize what was important: I needed to take the steps towards getting my patriarchal blessing. I wanted to go on a mission. But to do that I needed to make church and tithing a part of my life again. And I needed to break up with her brother. I got on the plane to go home at the end of that summer and never looked back.

When I got back to Connecticut I broke in half all my explicit lyrics cd's, I threw out all my immodest clothing and I made an appointment to see my bishop so I could get my patriarchal blessing recommend. Shortly after that I was called to be a nursery leader where one of the cute kid's moms decided she wanted to set me up with her younger brother...
His name was Kendrick. He was amazing...

And we lived happily ever after!!!

But I wonder if we would have if I hadn't been welcomed with open arms into the amazing Bush Family first? I wonder if at some other point in time I would have felt the spirit as strong as I did when I heard Pay sing in the car that day. Would I have been inspired to change my life without Pay's influence? Truth is her whole family influenced me. There was so much stinking love in that home that it was addicting to be around. Just sitting in their house was comforting. I used to sit and talk with their Mom when Pay and her brother weren't even around. I wanted a home that felt like theirs. Maybe down the road I would have met someone who would inspire me the way Pay and her family did. But maybe it would have been too late. Maybe Kendrick would have seen a different me and not been impressed. He was, after all, a newly returned missionary with stars in his eyes and a deep love for the gospel in his heart. The Desiree I had been a few month before I met him probably would not have held is interest. That Desiree was headed down a different path...
But luckily she was given the gift of Patience.

Patience is gone now. She passed away on February 15th at the age of 28 after a 5 month battle with Cancer. I was not best friends with her. I was not even super close to her. We hung out once or twice over the past few years and Kendrick helped her and her husband with some loan stuff a few years back. But here's the thing-when I finally reconnected with Patience, she made me feel like I was her favorite person. I remember that Kendrick and her were talking on the phone about some loan stuff and she asked to say hi to me. When I got on the phone I was so nervous. I was actually sweating bullets. But it ended up being a great conversation. We talked for a long time- we got caught up on each other's lives and she had nothing but kind and gracious things to say. I hung up the phone feeling light and happy and so grateful that this wonderful girl remembered the good in me when, after breaking up with her brother and cutting ties with her family the way I did, she could have chosen to hate me. But that just wasn't Pay's style.

I find myself feeling really depressed these days. It's almost like I become paralyzed with fear-"If it can happen to Pay, whose to say it won't happen to me or someone in my family?" I find myself feeling overwhelmingly sad for her husband and her sweet daughter who she left behind. I'm angry that I live in a world with cancer. I am feeling so much regret over missed opportunities I had to connect with Pay and be a bigger part of her life. I find myself tearing up during any church hymn that has the word Patience in itLately I've been changing the words to I'm trying to be like Jesus to I'm trying to be like Patience. And I am. I'm trying. My life isn't quite as remarkable as hers was but I still have time. And in that time I need to learn to be more patient. I need to stop wishing away bad days or longing for different experiences or worrying about what others think. I'm so lucky I get to be here. I'm so lucky that I have a chance to kiss my kids at night. I'm lucky that I get to have bad days. I'm lucky that I get to have hope for my future. I HOPE to live a long life full of love and patience- both the mental kind and the memory of my sweet friend.

Pay loved everyone. A gift I am guessing she got from her sweet Mom who passed away unexpectedly in January. My heart hurts when I think of how my sweet friend's life ended. She really suffered. Why her? Why did such a beautiful soul have to suffer such unbearable pain? In her last days I couldn't help but compare her to the Savior. "Why did He have to suffer?"  Immediately after I'd ask myself that I would feel the answer, "Because He loved us." There have only been a few people in my life who I have witnessed love as unconditionally as the Savior did and Pay was one of them. I saw it through her Facebook page. I felt it when I spoke with her. It was confirmed when I saw how many people showed up at her funeral. I don't know why Pay's life was cut so short. But I do know that in her short life she touched more people than most of us could ever hope to in an entire 100 year lifespan. I am so grateful for that sweet girl. I am grateful to know that I have a friend like her rooting for me from Heaven.

Pay's Facebook Page

Pays Obituary